1,000 Ways To Advertise
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Sometimes the media influence is bigger than you think. They convince you to buy into and buy things you don't want or need. Maybe four fourth-grade boys from Seattle should turn the tables...


_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 1

EPISODE 9

Airdate: January 20, 2013 (original episode deleted by board a month ago and taken out of syndication; re-posted on October 15, 2013)

Title: 1,000 Ways To Advertise

Homage To Classic TV: _Everybody Hates Chris _(2005-2009)

Special Guest Stars: None

Satire: False advertising, over-merchandising of people and products

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The boys are all watching TV when a commercial airs.)

RUFF RUFFMAN: Hey kids, if you like _Arthur_, you'll love _FETCH! With Ruff Ruffman_! OK, I'm just kidding. Seriously, can you imagine? Anyway, in two weeks, Adidas is set to present the sneaker that will change the world….

("Elevate" by Big Time Rush playing in the commercial)

RUFF RUFFMAN: Adidas Elevate! The revolutionary shoe that will end the age-old debate: Can a human fly?

WADE: Hell no.

(Sparky, Buster, and RK make a shushing sound)

RUFF RUFFMAN: Well, Elevate ends that debate…..with pure science. See, the sneakers are equipped with a mechanism that enables the wearer to have the ability of flight. Check this out!

(Ruff puts on the sneakers, yells "Elevate a little higher!" and he is immediately in mid-air flying across the screen)

WADE: That doesn't prove anything. Ruff Ruffman is a cartoon.

RK: We're cartoons.

CAMERAMAN: We're filming!

RK: Whatever.

RUFF RUFFMAN: Don't believe me. Well, fly down the street and bop to the beat with Lee on your leg and Adidas on your feet in just two weeks! And you'll see why Elevate will make you forget about your day….

(Ruff Ruffman is now in space)

RUFF RUFFMAN: UNDER THE MILKY WAY!

("Elevate" fades out in a cool way)

SPARKY: Oh my God, I want those sneakers!

BUSTER: Me too.

RK: Me three.

WADE: Well, this is just bullshit. Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer's tweet about the release of Elevate has already been re-tweeted over 800,000 times in the last 10 minutes.

BUSTER: Well, what do you expect? Those kicks kick!

SPARKY: Yeah, who wouldn't want a pair?

WADE: Me obviously. It's just another scam by a major conglomerate to cheat us out of our money. There's a reason why they used a cartoon for that commercial.

RK: Ruff Ruffman hasn't been relevant since what….2008?

SPARKY: Wade, be logical. Why would Adidas do that? All their products have been non-defective, stain-free and customer-friendly.

WADE: That's what every business does. They make a stupid product and lie like Sean Payton about it. Next thing you know, they're laughing at us having decreased our finances.

BUSTER: Well, there's only one way to find out.

SPARKY, BUSTER AND RK: BUY ADIDAS IN TWO WEEKS!

WADE: Good Gandhi, I can't believe this is life.

SCENE 2

The Clyde Fallon Shoe Store

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(It's nighttime in Seattle. People have set up campouts outside Clyde Fallon because they want to be the first to buy Adidas Elevate. There's even a ticker outside the store that tells you when the doors open and the fun begins. It says: "Elevation Commencement In 12 Hours, 34 Minutes, and 10 Seconds." RK is wearing CM Punk's "Knees 2 Faces" T-shirt.)

SPARKY: OK, I called the phone lady in case the ticker malfunctions. Synchronize Swatches.

BUSTER AND RK: Synchronized.

SPARKY: OK, we're ready and rearing to go.

WADE: Why are we going to miss school tomorrow for this (bleep) bull?

RK: Wade, Elevate is the hottest sneaker in the country. Everybody wants a pair.

WADE: So? Just because everyone wants one, doesn't mean you should buy one. Make your own decisions.

RK: I really DO want one. Sneakers that can fly? How awesome is that?

BUSTER: Speaking of "everybody wants one"…..

(Buster notices that while Testicular Sound Express has a good spot in line, there are still plenty others ahead of them.)

BUSTER: Sparky, are you sure we'll be the first in the store?

SPARKY: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.

WADE: OK, this is where I draw the damn line. Sparky, that (bleep) phrase isn't cute or funny, it's just insulting!

SPARKY: OK, Wade, OK. I'm just trying to tell Buster I'm not HIV-negative.

WADE: Do you know who Ryan White is? Or Freddie Mercury?

SPARKY: Who DOESN'T know who Freddie Mercury is? And no, who the (bleep) is Ryan White?

WADE: I'll tell you when the time's right.

RK: Geez, I'm hungry. Did anyone bring any food? We're going to be here all night.

BUSTER: Sorry, I just stocked up on drinks, no food.

(puts his hand on Buster's shoulder) RK: I don't blame you, baby cakes.

BUSTER: I hope you didn't confuse me for…..oh, I don't know, Ryan Gosling or something?

RK: Nope. Not a man alive can compete with you. Woman maybe, but not man.

(Buster groans)

SPARKY: Well, I made sure to get some McDonald's. It should be in the tent. (goes inside tent) Oh, here it is.

RK: Sweet.

(RK tries to fish something out to see what he can get)

RK: Yay, Chicken McNuggets! What the…..Really?

WADE: What?

RK: They just had to put an NFL logo on the side of the box, didn't they?

BUSTER: Well, McDonald's DOES sponsor the NFL now, RK.

RK: It's so stupid! Why would McDonald's support the NFL? It's like our society is imploding or something.

SPARKY: It's not that much of a problem. I mean, if McDonald's could support *NSYNC, they can support the NFL.

RK: I guess. I can only GUESS.

WADE: Could we get inside the tent?

SPARKY: Sure.

(the four get inside the tent, which is smaller on the inside)

RK: Is this tent for four boys, or Webster?

WADE: The way you put that was wrong.

BUSTER: Sparky, I thought we both agreed we would never use this tent again after that sleepover last summer.

SPARKY: Oh yeah.

(in a flashback, the four boys are struggling to move around the tent and keep injuring each other)

WADE: Who stood on my neck that night? I could've suffered a herniated disk!

SPARKY: Well, I didn't know Wade was coming. Three is the capacity. Four and it becomes…..becomes…

RK: Please do NOT say a Catholic church, Neverland Ranch, or Penn State.

SPARKY: Catholic church! That's the one!

BUSTER: Why did you come anyway, Wade? I thought you thought this was all just a scam to get people to buy shoes.

WADE: I want to see the look on you guys' faces when you find out any business is capable of lying. I might even make a Tout out of it.

SPARKY: Does anyone even use Tout? Other than the WWE?

WADE: Plenty of people. The cool people.

RK: Well, now that I'm offended, I can go to sleep.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: Me too.

(we now see the outside of the tent)

WADE: Good night, guys. I hope you like fireworks. Because tomorrow, they'll start cracking!

BUSTER: Oh, (bleep) you and your messages!

WADE: (Bleep) you, nigga! SUCK MY DICK!

SPARKY: Guys, shut up before I kill you both.

RK: Not my baby!

BUSTER: GAAAAAAHHHHHH!

SCENE 3

The Clyde Fallon Shoe Store

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

It's morning in Seattle. Any minute now, the doors will open and Adidas Elevate will officially be on sale. The boys are pretty much dead in their tent when RK feels a foot near his mouth.

RK: Oh, Ryan Gosling, you dirty boy. You know where that goes, just put it in there. Wait a minute, that's not a creamy foot.

(RK realizes Wade's foot is about to go inside his mouth)

RK: AAAAAHHHH!

WADE: AAAAAAAHHHHH!

RK AND WADE: AAAAAAHHHH!

SPARKY AND BUSTER: AAAAAAHHHH!

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: AAAAAAHHHHH!

RK: You're not Ryan Gosling.

WADE: And you're not Keke Palmer but do I piss and moan? No!

BUSTER: Interesting how she's black like you and…..

(RK angrily stares at Buster)

BUSTER: I'll shut up now.

WADE: What time is it anyway?

SPARKY: According to my Swatch…..it's 7:58 AM.

RK: Hmmmmmmm.

(Sparky, Buster, and RK realize what time it is)

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND RK: 7:58? NOOOOOO!

(Sparky, Buster, and RK leave the tent in an instant, flattening Wade)

(raspy and having a pancake-like body now)WADE: Someone get a doctor. Or Doogie Howser.

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Sparky's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is about to put on his Elevates.

SPARKY: Well, I saw the commercials. I stalked the shoe store like a hawk. And I paid my money. Santa's Little Helper…..let's elevate.

(Santa's Little Helper excitedly meows while Sparky puts on his new sneakers)

SPARKY: Here we go. Whoa, I'm starting to feel it. It feels pretty….tingly. Very tingly.

(Santa's Little Helper's face turns from excitement to disappointment)

SPARKY: So tingly Juicy Drop Pop juice can't…compete with it.

(long pause)

SPARKY: They don't work, do they?

(RK pounds on the door while Buster is behind him)

BUSTER: RK, calm down….

RK: I WON'T! Don't you get it? THEY BONED US! THOSE (BLEEP) NAZI ASSHOLES BONED…..US…ALL!

(Sparky hurries to open the door)

RK: Wade was right. WADE WAS (BLEEP) RIGHT THE WHOLE (BLEEP) TIME!

BUSTER: Hey, Sparks.

SPARKY: Afternoon, Buster. Same to you, RK.

RK: I go home. I'm so excited about my Elevates, without even thinking about it, I kiss KG on the lips, thinking he's Buster or Ryan Gosling or something.

BUSTER: A-ha! I knew you were attracted to Ryan Gosling!

RK: He's my celebrity crush, what do you want, a cookie?

BUSTER: Yeah, a little bit.

SPARKY: Go on, RK.

RK: I put on my sneakers while Mr. Tuxedo Pants watches me. Within seconds, I try to fly off the bed, but nothing happens. I just fall flat on my face. I throw a tantrum, spew several racist slurs towards Germans….

BUSTER: Oh, so it doesn't apply to you now?

RK: Maybe. I haven't explored that yet. Anyway, I leave my house seething, go to Buster's, find out HIS sneakers don't work, and then we come here with rage.

BUSTER: I don't have rage. Just disappointment.

SPARKY: Me too. I thought Adidas was 100% truthful about Elevate.

WADE: I would say 50%. Hello, boys. I suppose you aren't pleased with your footwear.

RK: LIKE HELL I'M NOT!

SPARKY: RK, I don't think that's the right use of the term.

RK: Oh. (looks through his pocket term dictionary quickly) OK, I got it. Anyway, I'M PISSED AS SHIT! THOSE SNEAKERS ARE (BLEEP) DILDOS!

(sarcastic) SPARKY: Yeah, that's WAY better.

RK: STOP BEING A SMARTASS, SPARKO! THESE DAMN SHOES DON'T FLY! I ALMOST GOT A (BLEEP) FOOT IN MY MOUTH FOR NOTHING!

WADE: Actually, they do. According to the official page for Elevate, on my iPhone (chuckles while the others groan and roll their eyes) it says that in order for you to fly, you need a SPU-31, a Rudimentary Wing Whomper, and several blue mini-wires for the shoes to work.

RK: Where would we get that?

WADE: Jim's Hardware Store. But that asshole isn't opening again until after Super Bowl XLVII.

BUSTER: Dang it!

WADE: Now you see what I've been trying to say? NEVER trust advertising like that. EVER. It may look good, but don't buy it. I'm using it literally and figuratively.

SPARKY: What do we do now? Get our money back?

RK: I know what we should do. We're going to beat the system. We'll create a sneaker so awesome and super-kewl, it'll blow Elevate out of the water. And we'll prove to all that Adidas has boned us with false advertising.

BUSTER: How can we do that? They're Adidas and we're just four stupid kids.

RK: That never stopped Phineas and Ferb.

SPARKY: _Phineas and Ferb _is a cartoon.

RK: WE'RE A (BLEEP) CARTOON!

CAMERAMAN: We're filming!

RK: NOT TODAY, BOB!

CAMERAMAN: OK.

BUSTER: So how do we do it?

RK: We have brains (pointing to Wade), creativity and sex appeal (pointing to Buster), organization (pointing to Sparky), and well-oiled leadership (pointing to himself). Oh, that's me. Let's change the world, boys. And then those (bleep) money-grubbing Nazis will get their comeuppance.

(long pause)

WADE: I think there are some repressed racist views you hold towards Germans.

RK: Yeah, I think I get it from my dad. He's always hated Hitler.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(The four boys are thinking of ideas for a shoe that can change the world. They need a cool concept and a cool name.)

RK: OK, so what ideas can we…Sparky, Buster, why are you two still wearing those Elevates?

BUSTER: They look AWESOME.

SPARKY: Buster's right. Besides, I'm not wasting my money on sneakers I'm not going to wear.

RK: Fine. OK, so what ideas can we come up with?

BUSTER: A robot shoe!

SPARKY: A robot shoe?

WADE: What the (bleep) is a robot shoe?

BUSTER: Look, people watched _Small Wonder_, right?

SPARKY: No. In fact, it went down in history as one of the worst television shows of all-time.

(a little agitated) BUSTER: OK. And people watch _Marvin Marvin_, right?

SPARKY: No. That's going to go down as one of the worst television shows of all-time as well.

BUSTER: WELL, I WATCH BOTH THOSE SHOWS, SO (BLEEP) YOU!

(long pause)

BUSTER: I'm sorry. I just hate it when people ride those shows. Anyway, I've come up with a sneaker that functions like V.I.C.I and Marvin.

WADE: Buster, Marvin isn't a robot, he's an alien.

BUSTER: Really? He reminds me so much of a robot. Well, V.I.C.I was a robot, wasn't she?

WADE: Yes, but…

BUSTER: Blah-blah-blah, Dick Cheney, blah-blah-blah. Anyway, I call it _Marvin's Wonder_. It can heat up or cool down your feet at will as long as you command it, can lift 30 times its weight, and can do things at a rate of 100 miles an hour. And the best part is, it can tell you what the best fruit to go with pancakes is!

(long pause)

WADE: Yeah, so we're looking for something NOT totally retarded, OK?

(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: WADE!

WADE: It's just a (bleep) stupid idea!

BUSTER: Well, I'd wear them.

WADE: Of course, YOU would wear them.

BUSTER: You know what, Wade….

(Buster and Wade argue)

RK: QUIET! No fighting here. Our advertising department has just been opened an hour ago. And I am NOT losing the commission.

SPARKY: What commission? You misspelled "department," and you made this office out of cardboard and pink cake frosting!

(Sparky is 100% right. The office says "Advertising Deprtment," the outside is cardboard, and pink cake frosting is all over it.)

RK: What do you expect, I'm eight! And I only had 30 minutes!

SPARKY: Whatever.

RK: You know what, meeting adjourned. I'm going to work with Wade for the night so we can come up with something.

WADE: Me? Why me?

RK: Because you're a technological genius, and I'm least likely to end up fighting with you.

SPARKY: What about me?

RK: Too much of a smartass.

BUSTER: And me? You're in love with me!

(RK sighs)

RK: If I try to have office sex with you, you'll just run away and go home.

BUSTER: Yeah, he's right.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are hard at work coming up with a sneaker. They've actually come up with an idea and are on their way to finishing their model. Wade is almost done with the second shoe while RK is reading _How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying _by Nick Jonas.

(voice replaced with audio clip of Lyle O' Donohoe) RK: Viral marketing is what happens when your product or catchphrase spreads quickly from person to person….like the flu. Cool, I'd love to see that in action! (returns to normal voice) Any luck, Wade?

WADE: You bet. I'm almost done here. I just need to install one last spring and…there. How is it?

RK: It's…it's amazing. The two of us spend hours on the sneakers…..

WADE: Actually, you came up with the idea and I worked on them while you read that book. But at least you cared enough to order Papa John's.

RK: Yeah, sorry about that. But Wade, my boy, we're about to make history. Let's just see what Sparky and Buster think tomorrow when we unveil these puppies.

SCENE 7

The Bus Stop

No Interior/Exterior

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster are waiting for the school bus the next morning. Wade and RK rush up to them.

RK: Guys, guys!

SPARKY: What happened? Did you guys make the sneakers?

WADE: You bet your ass we did. Show 'em, RK!

(RK takes the sneakers out of the box and sings the _Bonanza _theme song)

RK: You are looking…..at…Heely Shoes.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Heely Shoes?

SPARKY: What are, quote-on-quote, Heely Shoes?

WADE: It combines Heelys with Moon Shoes. Watch.

(Wade puts on the Heely Shoes)

WADE: See, by pressing this red button, the wheels come on, which is the Heely function. (Wade wheels around the bus stop four times and on the street for a little bit, impressing Sparky and Buster) And when you press the green button, the springs come on, which is the Moon Shoe function. (Wade bounces at least 15 feet in the air, making Sparky and Buster's eyes widen and jaws drop)

RK: Now, is that a shoe, or is that a SHOE!

SPARKY: It's the most awesome shoe in the world.

BUSTER: It's the most bodacious shoe in the world.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: It's the most awesomely bodacious shoe in the world.

(bus comes)

RK: Well, I hope you guys have your sunglasses on…..

WADE: Because you need them if you want to be famous.

(RK and Wade put on sunglasses)

BUSTER: What the (bleep)?

(The four get on the bus, and are instantly showered with attention and praise from everyone else, much to Sparky and Buster's surprise)

SPARKY: What did you guys do?

RK: Nothing really. We just made a Tout talking about Heely Shoes and made sure all the kids in school saw it.

WADE: It's gotten more than 100,000 views already.

BUSTER: Wow, people DO use Tout.

SPARKY: RK, Wade, what the hell? You guys are taking credit for everything?

RK: Hey, we came up with Heely Shoes, so we get creative rights.

WADE: And we made sure to include your names.

BUSTER: Really?

RK: Of course. Just ask Kaily.

SPARKY: Kaily? What does she have to do with this?

WADE: Why don't you find out?

(Buster goes up to Kaily)

KAILY: Hi, Buster. I saw your video this morning.

BUSTER: Really? Well, what were your thoughts? Praise? Lauding? Acclaim?

KAILY: I thought it was really awesome. I didn't know you could make a sneaker like that.

BUSTER: Well, I do my best to….

(Kaily kisses Buster on the cheek)

BUSTER: Damn.

KAILY: I don't know why I don't hang out with you that much.

BUSTER: Well, you want to get rid of those regrets by sitting with me at lunch?

KAILY: Sure. Why not?

BUSTER: I'll be looking forward to THIS.

(the two shake hands, and Buster kisses Kaily's hand)

KAILY: You're so sweet, Buster.

(Kaily goes back to her seat)

(under his breath) BUSTER: I want to rub that down.

(later on, the kids are departing the bus)

WADE: More than 50 kids want Heely Shoes. I can sure as hell do that.

SPARKY: Wow. These sneakers are slowly becoming popular.

RK: That's true, Sparks. Heely Shoes are taking over. And in about a week or two, we'll be cutting an endorsement deal with Adidas.

BUSTER: Seriously?

RK: Of course. In the book I read yesterday, aggressive marketing campaigns often attract the attention of big companies in less than two months maximum.

WADE: Maybe we should stick to the school for now.

RK: Expanding is what businessmen do.

WADE: But we're not businessmen. We're just four stupid kids.

RK: Wade, the four of us are going to become the greatest entrepreneurs of the century. At this rate, we'll be pissing money in a month. PISSING MONEY!

("Pop Song '89" by R.E.M. playing in the background)

Testicular Sound Express is becoming well-known around the school for their Heely Shoes. RK seems to deal with all the marketing and advertising, confusing the others a bit. The Heely Shoes soon become a phenomenon around the neighborhood, and pretty soon, the boys find themselves on the local news. RK takes up a great deal of screen time and doesn't give the others a chance to speak. Within two weeks, the Tout video had been viewed at least 2,000,000 times, and the boys were Facebook famous. Except for Wade, who doesn't use Facebook. The _Seattle Times_ writes a cover story on the Heely Shoes, and once again, RK hogs the attention and credit, angering the other boys. RK promises the world will see a sequel to the Heely Shoes, throwing Wade off-guard. For some reason, Buster was dressed like The Shield. RK's personality had changed dramatically, as he made a T-shirt saying "What Businessmen Do" and wore sunglasses all the time. He had also become extremely arrogant and narcissistic, claiming the office is more important to him than anything else. The other boys were growing frustrated. In a month, the whole world was wearing Heely Shoes, and Adidas was impressed to the point that they did THIS….

BRIAN WILLIAMS: Good evening and welcome to _NBC Nightly News_. Our top story tonight: The world-famous German shoe company Adidas, which just released their latest sneaker Elevate to the world a little over a month ago to rave reviews, is now expanding even bigger. The four boys from Seattle, Washington better known as Testicular Sound Express, have become worldwide sensations with their Heely Shoes. And Adidas has taken notice of their "international appeal" by offering them an endorsement deal for their Heely Shoes worth over a million dollars. No one knows what the exact amount is, but Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer said in his press conference today that it will be similar to what rap group Run-DMC got when they endorsed the company in 1986.

KG: Good. Good for RK.

SCENE 8

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Should we accept the deal or not?

WADE: I really don't think so. I mean, it was OK at first, but the whole point of this was to prove to those corporate stooges that we can make an honest pair of sneakers. Maybe we should quit while we're ahead.

SPARKY: But think of all the money. Maybe we can accept this deal and then leave the business.

BUSTER: Sparky's right! We've done everything in this game already. The whole world knows us by now. I mean, that Tout has been viewed more than 10,000,000 times already!

RK: Maybe you guys should let ME negotiate. Once we endorse Adidas, we can endorse Nike, then Converse, then New Balance. We have to be as powerful as possible.

SPARKY: Why should we let YOU negotiate?

(long pause)

RK: I'm sorry, what, Sparky?

SPARKY: Why should we let YOU negotiate?

(long pause)

RK: Because that's what businessmen do. And I'm clearly the most adept at dealing with these big companies.

WADE: RK, all you've done is hog all the credit and the attention for the Heely Shoes. This was a collective effort.

RK: SPARKY AND BUSTER NEVER DID SHIT! And the Heely Shoes were MY idea!

SPARKY: RK, I've been getting us on every talk show in the country.

BUSTER: Aren't we supposed to be on _Oprah's Next Chapter_?

SPARKY: Nah, the ratings aren't that good for the network as a whole anyway.

BUSTER: Oh. And I HAVE been doing shit. I've been getting us TV ads all over the place.

WADE: And who's been taking care of the finances? Me. RK, all you've done is hog the glory and fame. What's happened to you, man? This isn't you.

RK: I'm trying to run an empire HERE! I'm the money and the main event in this group! If anyone's gonna negotiate with Adidas, it's me!

SPARKY: Screw that, RK. You're NOT negotiating jack.

WADE: You know what, let's not take the deal.

BUSTER: Yeah. Everything's bull now thanks to RK.

(thinking) RK: Even the love of my life hates me. But it's not my fault the media loves me and not them. I HAVE to take that endorsement deal. If I don't, everyone will think we're crazed assholes who are ungrateful for our success. And that'll make me look bad. What will Ryan Gosling think when he sees the New York Post making fun of us? I can NOT let them ruin my chances of being the next Bill Gates or Warren Buffett or some slutty-ass socialite who can't even hold down a marriage for six months.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer and two of his representatives are at RK's house speaking to him and KG about the endorsement deal.

CEO HAINER: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet us, Mr. Jennings. Now even though Adidas is a footwear legend, makes five times as much money in a year than you'll make in a lifetime, and really doesn't need the help of four stupid kids…..

(The camera pans on RK and KG, who just have straight faces and move their heads a bit. KG raises his eyebrow.)

CEO HAINER: We understand you guys have a global pull that we can't get anywhere else, and if YOU endorse Adidas products that are at the bottom rung of sales, you get instant credibility and the shoe world will be turned on its ear. Without a doubt, Testicular Sound Express is the Gangnam Style of sneakers.

RK: Thank you for the ass-kissing, Mr. Hainer. We understand that Heely Shoes have an undeniable international appeal. And TSE looks forward to partnering with Adidas.

KG: I thought you said these guys were greedy Nazi assholes and they should go (bleep) themselves.

(Naturally, Hainer and his reps are shocked. RK angrily stares at KG and pulls himself together before he snaps.)

RK: He…has Tourette's syndrome. Yes, very aggressive Tourette's.

KG: I don't have Tourette's, you (bleep) jackass!

CEO HAINER: What form of Tourette's?

RK: Oh, well he says weird things at random times. Yesterday, at dinner, he said "That's a block on my fight."

KG: When did I ever say that?

RK: Oh yeah, and he often tries to pretend he doesn't have Tourette's and acts like a weirdo even though it's extremely apparent. We feel for him.

CEO HAINER: Me too.

RK: Yeah.

KG: (Bleep) you.

CEO HAINER: Well, this contract not only positions you to endorse Adidas products that have low sales, but to also have your Heely Shoes promoted by us.

RK: You mean, like how Run-DMC was never signed to Def Jam Records but was still linked to them?

CEO HAINER: Exactly. In fact, the deal we're about to present to you is about the same Adidas presented to the rap-rock kings of Queens 27 years ago.

RK: Really? How much?

CEO HAINER: About $1.6 million dollars.

RK: HOLY (BLEEP)!

CEO HAINER: Now if you could just sign here, we can….

RK: Hell yeah!

(RK signs the contract immediately)

KG: RK, shouldn't you read the deal first? You know, after that _South Park _episode….

RK: KG, that was just _South Park_. There's no way that could happen in real-life.

Later on, RK and KG are watching TV. The local news is on.

REPORTER: Yes, it is official. Testicular Sound Express, makers of the hugely popular Heely Shoes, has signed a $1.6-million endorsement deal with Adidas. Company CEO Herbert Hainer had this to say in a small interview at Washington State University, just an hour after the deal was reached.

CEO HAINER: We honestly would like to welcome Testicular Sound Express and their Heely Shoes to the Adidas family. We believe these four gifted children have an international pull that can't be reached anywhere else. At least not since Gangnam Style. So this is definitely going to be excited. Sorry, exciting. I just Dan Quayled there.

REPORTER: Under this endorsement deal, the four boys will promote the least popular and recognizable products Adidas has. In return, Adidas will promote the Heely Shoes and the sequel to it, which will be unveiled to the world very soon. While Ryan Kennedy Jennings signed the deal, the other three members of Testicular Sound Express, that being Sparky MacDougal, Buster Newman, and Wade Saltalamacchia, couldn't be reached for comment. One boy close to them said they're angry, but in a joyous way.

KG: Well, you feel good now, Skippy?

RK: What do you mean, KG?

KG: I mean totally leaving your friends out of the picture while you make all the money.

RK: I am NOT making all the money. They're getting their share. I think 70/30 is very fair.

KG: RK, these are your friends we're talking about here. You know? Sparky, Wade, and Buster? The love of your life, Buster?

RK: Oh yeah. I hope I didn't hurt him. My baby doesn't deserve this pain.

KG: You have to make things right, brother. You're turning into a modern-day Gordon Gekko.

RK: Oh, hell naw! I need to take a walk. Clear my conscience as all.

(RK leaves while KG does a facepalm)

("Tougher Than Leather" by Run-DMC playing in the background)

(RK tries to free himself of his guilt. He can't admit his slow descent into greed and hatred. He suddenly has a huge grin and walks around cockily. Then the boys stand in his way.)

(music stops as record scratches)

RK: Oh. Hello boys. Afternoon.

WADE: RK, it's evening.

RK: So what, are we having a pop quiz now?

SPARKY: RK, stop it. We KNOW you took that deal.

RK: Yeah? Wasn't it awesome? We're going to be billionaires now!

WADE: RK, we specifically told you NOT to negotiate, and NOT to take the deal.

RK: Who wouldn't take the deal? Idiots?

SPARKY: US!

RK: That proves my point.

(Sparky growls)

WADE: RK, you unbelievable son of a bitch! All you've done is hog all the credit, all the praise, and all the attention. I did the math, and we're responsible for 82% of the Heely Shoes' popularity.

RK: Well, it looks like you guys are the 82% ganging up on the 18%.

SPARKY: This isn't Occupy Wall Street, dumbass!

RK: Was it 82 on 18 or 99 on 1?

WADE: 99 on 1.

RK: Oh.

SPARKY: RK, we've had enough of your arrogance! YOU were the one who wanted to stick it to the man, the big business, the grandmaster flash. And look at you! You're the very thing you tried to fight. In the end, you're just a greedy, self-centered asshole!

RK: You guys just can't respect MY accomplishments!

BUSTER: I do….to some extent.

WADE: We ALL do. But you're an absolute jackass so how can we? You know what, RK? We're done. I'm quitting.

SPARKY: Me too.

RK: As workers or friends?

WADE: Whichever way you see it.

RK: FINE, (BLEEP) YOU GUYS! I PISS IN YOUR FACE!

(imitating Steve Wilkos) SPARKY AND WADE: Whatever! WHATEVER!

SPARKY: Come on, Buster. Buster?

(puts his hand on RK's shoulder) BUSTER: I'd just like you to understand….that even if you don't see it, I know the old RK is still there. Even if you go back to stalking me, I don't care. I just want my friend back. Whenever you want to join us again, come see me.

(Buster walks away with Sparky and Wade. Wade puts up the finger, and Sparky does the same while Buster just stares at RK sadly.)

RK: (Bleep) assholes.

(The hard-ass conflict music from _Full House _plays in the background as RK is enraged.)

BOOMING VOICE: And now it's time for another Homage To Classic TV!

(Sparky is dressed in winter gear in New York City)

SPARKY: My name is Sparky MacDougal. And if you must know, I'm doing this because it's super bad-ass. Wait, why am I in New York?

(Sparky's outside his house now)

SPARKY: Oh. That's better. Anyway, my friends and I have been thinking about the Homage To Classic TV. And we firmly believe that we're not paying tribute to your childhood favorites like we should. I mean, that _Full House _one was a train wreck. So now, we've started doing something different. I mean, NOW. Instead of us parodying TV shows from the past, we're going to show you ACTUAL clips of the ACTUAL show as it ACTUALLY happened. That way, you can decide for yourself if the show is any good. But….if we're up to the challenge, we'll parody the show. Here's a program that Testicular Sound Express has enjoyed ever since it made its Nick at Nite debut four years ago. Wade can't get enough of it. Amazing how this particular show is Wade's favorite show and…..

(off-camera) RK: Sparky, shut the (bleep) up about that!

SPARKY: OK, RK. Wait, aren't you supposed to be a douche?

RK: No, it's the Homage To Classic TV, so it has nothing to do with the episode.

SPARKY: Oh. OK then. Anyway, here's _Everybody Hates Chris_. (imitating Tichina Arnold) You know what, I'm out. I don't need this. My man has two jobs! TWO JOBS, OK?

"Gritzky"

EPISODE: Everybody Hates The Buddy System

AIRDATE: November 6, 2006 (Season 2)

CHRIS ROCK: Time to take charge.

CARUSO: Where are you going?

CHRIS: I'm going to go call my mother.

CARUSO: I'm making the decisions around here.

CHRIS: Not for me. You can do whatever you feel like doing, but I'm calling my mother.

CARUSO: Well, give me a quarter too, I'll call my mom.

CHRIS: No. I only have ONE quarter.

CARUSO: Ah, don't worry about it. I'll have my mother call your mother.

(Caruso puts the quarter in the payphone and calls his house)

CARUSO: Mom? Yeah, it's Joey. Alright, if the school calls and says I'm lost, I'm not. Nah, I'm OK. I'm with Chris. Yeah, the black one.

CHRIS ROCK: Strange realizing that Caruso had a loving family at home. A loving RACIST family.

CARUSO: Alright, love you, bye.

(Caruso hangs up the phone, forgetting that Chris needs to call his mom)

CHRIS: Hey, you were supposed to tell her to call my mom.

CARUSO: Forgot. I'm sorry. Hey, why don't you call collect? That's what the guys in prison do.

CHRIS: Move.

(Now a little offended, Chris does exactly that)

(the phone rings at Chris' house, and Chris' dad Julius picks it up)

JULIUS: Hello?

OPERATOR: We have a collect call from….

(not wanting to pay the fee that comes from collect calls, Julius immediately hangs up the phone, having dodged a bullet)

CHRIS ROCK: My dad couldn't always give us what we wanted, but he would always do his best.

(Julius walks into Chris' and his brother Drew's room, where Drew is doing homework)

DREW: Hey Dad.

JULIUS: I'm really proud of you for getting a 100 on that test. So….here you go!

DREW: Yeah!

(Drew, as a reward for getting a perfect score on his spelling test, is getting a Wayne Gretzky jersey which he personally asked for. However, there are two problems. The jersey says "Gritzky" instead of "Gretzky" and instead of Gretzky's famous #99, it says "98." Julius got the jersey from Risky, a guy who has the inside track on several items he has no business owning. A majority of them are knock-offs, like this one.)

(Drew doesn't take long to realize this)

JULIUS: Huh? What do you think?

CHRIS ROCK: Drew thought about saying this….

DREW: GRITZKY? It's not Gritzky, it's GRETZKY…..WITH AN E! I scored a 100 on my spelling test, I can't wear this! You've got that big 'ol head and you can't even spell Gretzky!

(When Drew says "big 'ol head," Julius looks down at the floor, offended and annoyed)

DREW: Maybe YOU should take my spelling classes. I ain't wearing this.

(Drew tosses the jersey aside)

CHRIS ROCK: But if he did, here's what would've happened…..

(The next scene is of Drew on a stretcher outside the apartment while his mother Rochelle runs to him. He is knocked out and the Gritzky jersey is in his mouth. The police commissioner arrives.)

COMMISSIONER: What's the story?

POLICEMAN: Apparently, the kid loves hockey. Father comes home with a jersey that says "Gritzky" with an I instead of "Gretzky" with an E. Son mouths off, dad loses it and shoves jersey down kid's throat.

COMMISSIONER: Is that the jersey?

POLICEMAN: All we could find.

COMMISSIONER: Good thing he didn't ask for skates.

BOOMING VOICE: That was our Homage To Classic TV! Tune in next week to see more of your childhood favorites bowed down to!

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

WADE: I can't believe RK!

SPARKY: I know, right? He's just a money-grubbing asshole now who takes credit for things he didn't do!

BUSTER: Guys, don't you think that we're jumping the gun here? Maybe RK has lost his way and just needs time to sort things out by himself.

WADE: Buster, one of your best qualities is that you're the most compassionate person in Testicular Sound Express. That quality isn't working here.

SPARKY: Buster, if you want to defend RK, that's fine. But this is who he really is and I don't like it one bit.

BUSTER: I just want all this to end! Besides, this isn't the worst thing RK has ever done. Remember last year's third-grade election?

(Wade takes a pause and is startled)

WADE: Wait…..are you talking about the one where Sanna ran for president?

BUSTER: Yeah, don't you remember?

We cutaway to last year around this exact same time. There's a big poster that says "Sanna's A Champ!" RK shows up wearing a black skullcap and sunglasses with some whiteout. He uses the whiteout to get rid of the "a" in "champ" and make it an "i." Now the poster says, "Sanna's A Chimp!"

SANNA: RK, what the (bleep) are you doing?

RK: I'm ruining you.

(other kids notice the new poster)

KID 1: Look, it's Sanna "The Chimpanzee" Qureshi!

KID 2: I've got some Danimals, Bongo. You want some?

(the kid throws his Danimals at Sanna, who starts crying and runs away while other kids chase her and taunt her)

SPARKY: Poor Sanna. They called her Bongo for the rest of the year.

WADE: And they always threw Danimals at her.

BUSTER: To this day, she still can't go near the monkey bars without crying.

SPARKY: I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Buster, whatever your theory is, you better hope it works, because if it doesn't, I'm going to kill RK.

(long pause)

WADE: You're not really going to kill him….

SPARKY: YEAH! I AM, WADE!

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It is nighttime, and it looks like rain is coming. RK looks outside the window angrily. KG is out for the night. RK is contemplating his new status as Public Enemy #1.

RK: They had the nerve to say I'm exactly what I tried to fight. They had the nerve to try and take center stage while I'm left out in the cold. Those three mother (bleep) only hate me because I'm more talented than them, more charismatic than them, and more entertaining than them. Or are they RIGHT?

("Hate Me Now" by Nas featuring Puff Daddy playing in the background)

(RK is fighting himself here. He goes into his room and looks at all his accomplishments from the Heely Shoes. The most-viewed video in Tout history, having been watched over 60 million times. Over $500 million dollars made off the shoes. Praise from Nike chairman Phil Knight and NBA players Kevin Durant, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, and Carmelo Anthony. RK then looks at a poster of Samantha Micelli, Alyssa Milano's character from _Who's The Boss?_ It was made in 1987 and sold on Amazon. RK kisses the poster for 15 seconds, and traces his finger with lust in his mind across Milano's lips. RK then looks at a picture of him being interviewed for the Heely Shoes. This becomes a recurring theme, as the other boys are constantly in the background. A little itchy now, RK looks in the bathroom mirror and sees Mr. Hyde.)

RK: Oh my God. I need a new team.

(RK, completely oblivious to what he had just gone through, smiles and walks out the bathroom)

SCENE 11

The Bryan Apartment

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: Yes, this is an advertising team I can trust. Manny, Will, and Travis. Well, we only have a week before Heely Shoes: Part Deux is unveiled so let's get to work!

(Travis raises his hand)

RK: Yes, Travis?

TRAVIS: Why am I helping you?

RK: Because I asked you to, and you accepted. And besides, that's what businessmen do. They get help. Now…..

TRAVIS: But I hate you.

(long pause)

RK: Travis, we don't have time for silly stuff like this. I hate you just as much, don't get me wrong here. But it was either you or Sanna, and she said she couldn't do it because she's going to try and play on the monkey bars without crying.

TRAVIS: And why are we having the meeting at MY apartment?

(RK sighs)

RK: Because I can focus here, Travis! Is that so hard to understand or believe?

(whispers to Manny) WILL: Yeah, so he can focus on Ms. Bryan's knockers.

(Manny snickers)

RK: I HEARD THAT, WILL! Don't think I didn't hear that because I did! I'll let you know Travis' mom's boobs are only halfway decent and nothing special.

TRAVIS: Don't talk about my mom like that, you (bleep) bastard!

MANNY: Are there going to be any Dominicans here?

(annoyed) RK: No, Manny. There aren't going to be ANY Dominicans.

MANNY: Good.

WILL: Stop being racist.

MANNY: IT'S JUSTIFIED!

RK: CAN WE JUST GET THIS SHIT DONE?!

(long pause)

TRAVIS: OK.

("My Adidas" by Run-DMC playing in the background)

Heely Shoes: Part Deux is a week away from being revealed to the world, and RK is making sure his new team is ready for it. Unlike the original design, Part Deux features involvement from all four boys, and RK is more willing to let the other three give suggestions or take breaks whenever necessary. However, RK is still the same old media whore, as he's began to over-merchandise the Heely Shoes. There are mugs, book bags, lunchboxes, pencils, pens, T-shirts, notebooks, and a video game (produced by Electronic Arts) based off the sneakers. There's even a Heely Shoes cereal, which tastes like the actual thing. It has sold more than 300 million boxes already. RK, Manny, Will, and Travis are also dominating the talk show circuit. They appear on _Late Night With Jimmy Fallon_, hosting _Saturday Night Live_, _The Colbert Report_, _The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, _and _Oprah's Next Chapter_. Sparky, Buster, and Wade are infuriated at this. Even Buster feels resentment now. The night before Part Deux's unveiling, RK's new team is drained, mentally and physically.

WILL: Good Lord, I'm exhausted.

MANNY: Yeah. I haven't been this tired since crying after Puerto Rico lost the 2009 World Baseball Classic.

TRAVIS: RK, are we done here?

(imitating Daniel Bryan) RK: NO! NO! NOOO!

(creepy music starts playing as Buster wakes up, looking around with paranoia)

(LPC meows inquisitively)

BUSTER: I don't know, LPC. I feel…a disturbance.

RK: You guys have spent so much time living like A-list celebrities these past few days, you've forgot that Part Deux is being introduced to the world tomorrow afternoon. Ryan Gosling might be there to see ME!

WILL: RK, you've been working us over. It was fine at first, then you booked us for all these late-night talk shows and interviews and commercials. You even made us attend an event for your new book.

RK: _1,000 Ways To Advertise _is #1 on Amazon and the New York Times' best-seller lists. I think I'm doing something right.

TRAVIS: This is why I hate you, RK. You don't want any input other than your own, and you'd kill yourself right now if you weren't the center of attention. No wonder Testicular Sound Express left you.

RK: Well, I don't need you guys. I can finish the shoes myself!

(imitating Steve Wilkos) MANNY, WILL, AND TRAVIS: Whatever! WHATEVER!

MANNY: Screw yourself, RK. If you came to Puerto Rico and did this shit, we'd call you a Dominican.

(the three boys leave)

RK: Damn buttlickers. I'm NOT a Dominican.

SCENE 12

CenturyLink Field

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

REPORTER: I'm standing outside CenturyLink Field where the sequel to the wildly successful Heely Shoes will be exposed to the world. There's a new advertising and marketing team to replace the original one, so the pressure's on to see if Part Deux will be better.

(About 70,000 people have filled the stadium to witness the affair as Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer steps onto the podium)

CEO HAINER: Good afternoon, everybody. I'm sure the 71,673 people here are ready to see a brand-new sneaker!

(the crowd cheers)

CEO HAINER: And with that, I'd like to welcome the youngest entrepreneur of all-time, Ryan Kennedy Jennings!

("No Chance In Hell" by Peter Bursuker playing over the loudspeakers)

(RK comes walking like Mr. McMahon and wearing a power suit)

RK: Thank you, Mr. Hainer. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, we know you like your Heely Shoes. Where are your Heely Shoes? I want to see them! Put up your Heely Shoes, everybody!

(the many in attendance do exactly that)

RK: And how about those Seahawks, huh?

(the crowd roars for the Seattle Seahawks, who play at CenturyLink Field)

(under his breath) RK: Seahawks suck. Falcons stomp their ass all day, any day. (normal voice) Ladies and gentlemen, what I have here is Heely Shoes: Part Deux. Not only does it give you the ability to skate or bounce, you can watch TV!

(RK demonstrates this, and an episode of _Everybody Hates Chris_ is showing)

RK: See, people? Heely Shoes: Part Deux will change the world, just like last….

(the mini-TV is malfunctioning, and it eventually falls off)

RK: DAMN YOU, TRAVIS!

MAN #1: I don't want to buy that; it's defective.

MAN #2: Yeah. If I buy that, the same thing might happen to ME. BOO!

MAN #1: BOO!

(soon enough, almost all of CenturyLink Field is booing)

CEO HAINER: Forget about Adidas ever associating itself with the likes of you ever again!

(Hainer slaps RK)

RK: Wow. I really AM a monster. I feel worse than the time I was on _Jack's Big Music Show_.

We cutaway to the three main characters of _Jack's Big Music Show _(Jack, Mel, and Mary) practicing for an episode later. RK won the chance to perform with them, but he's not fitting in.

(playing guitar) RK: Mary, Mary...why you bugging? (plays guitar more) Mary, Mary, I need your hugging...

(RK stops playing the guitar when he realizes that Jack is staring at him angrily.)

RK: What? I'm not talking about YOUR Mary. It's just a song.

(Jack is unable to figure this out, as he's still angry)

RK: What? It's not my fault if you won't ask the bitch out!

(Jack is even more angry now, and Mary is too)

RK: You know what, (bleep) you. I'm out. Have fun with Laurie Berkner guest-starring for the millionth time! Gah...

(RK leaves the set with his guitar while Mel scratches his nose)

SCENE 13

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, Buster, and Wade are playing _Sneaker Monopoly_, with Heely Shoes being one of the sneakers. Wade is slaughtering the other two.

RK: Hey guys.

SPARKY: Look, it's Businessman RK. Just get out of our faces, man. Don't you have some damn Pepsi commercial to do or something?

RK: Not anymore. I gave everything up.

WADE: Really? Why?

RK: You guys were right. I was a monster and an asshole to you. I became so wrapped up in being rich and famous, I turned into what I despised.

SPARKY: In other words, the Heely Shoes' sequel failed, didn't it?

RK: Big time.

SPARKY: Good enough. Welcome back, RK.

WADE: Welcome back, RK. You're cool again.

RK: You guys think I'm kewl again? AWESOME!

BUSTER: Not with me.

(the other three boys are stunned)

SPARKY: What's wrong, Buster?

BUSTER: RK, did you learn something from all of this?

(RK sighs)

RK: Yes I did, Buster. You see, companies lie all the time to get ahead. They use false advertising to serve their purpose and delude us into thinking they're being honest. In my days as a businessman, I've witnessed how cutthroat this industry can be. If you ain't lying, you ain't trying. I think it's high time we ignore commercialism. Instead of falling into the trap, we just shouldn't buy it and look for smart advertising. I'm using the "don't buy it" in a literal AND figurative sense.

BUSTER: Welcome back, RK.

RK: Welcome back, sexy legs. I missed you so much!

(RK kisses Buster repeatedly)

BUSTER: Because we've just cleared up this whole thing, I'm not going to fight your urge the whole day. Consider it me throwing you a bone.

RK: OK, cool.

(the three start the game over to include RK)

(The screen goes black and a message reads: "This episode was sponsored by PBS Kids GO!" We then see a sign with the PBS Kids logo that says: "Don't Buy It: Get Media Smart!" The website link is there as well, which I can't actually give you. Look it up and stop being lazy.)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for…

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Goodbye" by Kristinia DeBarge playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


End file.
